No matter what we do in life, we are always making decisions or choices.  What we have for breakfast – bacon & eggs, or a more healthy choice of oats and apple!  Each moment of the day we make conscious and unconscious choices.  For example, I was chatting with a friend about a colleague of theirs who was making them uncomfortable, they understood where this person was coming from, however, the communication was not what they expected and more so because they felt disrespected.  And yet they put up with it.  ‘Why’ I asked, and they looked blankly at me, ‘well, it’s the way it is’, ‘but why’ I asked again, ‘surely you have a choice?’   I explained we have a choice to accept the way things are or we can change, we can make the decision not to accept this style of communication.  We can sit down with those that we feel are treating us disrespectfully and let them know that it isn’t acceptable. And/or we can look at why we are bothered, why are we letting them into our headspace, because of course, it’s not just in the moment that we’re bothered but also that often the attitude, tone, message etc that play over and over in our mind as we think about what we could have done… should have done….

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and left feeling hurt, dissatisfied, angry, then continued to go over that conversation time and time again.  I bet many of those people immediately forgot about you and the conversation, so why are you lending your headspace to them?  I may go over a conversation I have had with someone, however, I work hard at not letting myself self-blame (I shouldn’t have done this/that), rather I try to look at ‘what I did well’, and ‘where could I have done better’, and then I leave it alone.  I won’t wear it.  

We may not be able to choose certain things in life, however, we have a choice in how we deal with them, and so many of us tend not to realize or understand this.  We can decide whether we will allow those ‘annoying roommates in our head’ (Arianna Huffington) to stay, or whether we will move them out.  Easier said than done, I know, and it took me years to realize that I could choose how I reacted to others, conversations, changes, and whether I would allow them to live with me.  It takes practice, continual practice, and sometimes I forget and then kick myself for wasting my headspace on someone else’s problem.  Recently I was at an event, and one of the individuals made, what he considered a joke; it was sexist and nasty. I was with a couple I know and while they nervously laughed I told him ‘to stick to music’ (he was a professional musician) I wasn’t rude, my tone was neutral, however, he got the message and slunk away!  Interestingly the male of the couple, after continuing to chat with me, asked that we go back to that moment as he wanted to talk about the fact that he felt he should have done something and wondered why he hadn’t!   We talked about fear, of being judged, of retaliation and how sometimes we need to draw our line in the sand, make a choice about what is acceptable, and stick with it – no matter how uncomfortable. 

It was and is my choice not to accept sexism, racism, and all the other isms out there, I made a decision some years ago to call others out, and despite fear, despite sometimes being the only person in the room to do so, it is my choice.  I have drawn my line in the sand as to what I will accept in the behaviour of others.  

I also won’t excuse my own behaviour, blaming it on the past, my parents, old friends or whomever… We all have stories, we all have choices and when we get to a certain age we need to take responsibility for our actions.  There comes a time in life when we have to let go of blaming everyone else, yes they may have hurt us both physically and emotionally, we may feel that they stopped us from taking opportunities, however, we are now adults and can choose to heal ourselves.  We may need therapy or other support, but I believe that often the main challenge is our own mind and not wanting to take responsibility for our actions. I know this sounds simplistic and many may not agree, however, I wonder how it serves us by going back and blaming someone else, from decades ago, for our current behaviour.  

I know a number of individuals who, even in their 40’s and up, continue to blame their conduct on their parents.  To me this blame is challenging to accept, none of us had perfect childhoods, often our parents did the best they could in the circumstances, and now as adults, we have a choice to accept that our childhood was difficult, and think about how we want to ensure our kids don’t experience the same, or worse.  When we perpetuate the same habits, blaming others for our bad behaviour we’re passing on our hurt and anger to our children, colleagues, and friends.  

We have a choice to change our behaviour, to work on it and accept responsibility for our actions, to get help when we need it, and hold ourselves accountable.  We can choose how we behave. We hold the power to change, we have a choice.

I have had a couple of clients who have been working through their challenges, and what’s amazing is the relief they feel, knowing that they can let it go.  Most have gone to therapy, continue to do the work to understand why they behaved in ways that often they felt ashamed of, and now are ready to move forward to develop new habits.  It’s not always plain sailing, sometimes we need to change belief systems we’ve held for decades, or habits that have been ingrained, the key is when we begin to recognize and become aware we can begin to move forward and change.   

If you want to make changes in your life, are ready to do the work and truly look at yourself and even look at yourself as others view you, and if you need support, contact me for a complimentary session to see if coaching with me is right for you.